Advanced Exercises: Not for Noobs

Time has flown. I have been impregnated for 32 weeks at this point. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

I was sitting on my couch last night in a husband-induced rage (actually hormone induced but no one wants to hear about that shit) and I realized I was out of breath. Significantly so! Guys. I have found the most amazing and accessible exercises thanks to my current physical condition. How can I possibly keep these to myself?

SITTING ON THE COUCH. I’m sure you have one! This is something ANYONE can do! A quick way to get started is to really plop down on it. The plopping motion will likely land you in an awkward position that you will have to sort of wriggle out of. Enjoy the thunderous heart beating that ensues.

TYING YOUR SHOES. I have minimized this from 4 reps per day to 2, just because its important to have recovery time and not overdo it. This exercise can be completed sitting down or standing up. Standing up involves an 83% chance of falling, so make sure to fall to the side so you don’t pop your baby. Getting up from this fall always gives me a good arm pump and gets my heart going. I can feel each oblique straining and popping in the most satisfying of ways. If opting for the sitting option, one will notice that reaching around your own body to get to a foot will compress your lungs and enhance the workout. Expect an impressive amount of sweat.

DOING THE DISHES. Usually I eat and muss the dishes and Eric washes and dries them. It’s a great partnership we got goin’ on- it really plays to our individual strengths. This weekend, however, I thought I would mix it up and try out some washing. Sore neck, sore back, sore feet! This is a full body exercise! An unexpected benefit is that if you are wearing absorbent shirts, your belly will sop up all the sponge splash as you work.

RIDING THE 81. I realize this means you have to actually RIDE the 81, and Cleveland’s bus system is not for the weak. Depending on the time of day, you’re either going to be witness to a drug deal or become a neck pillow for a passed-out meth head. You might even get your mouthy self punched by the driver. (Go ahead and YouTube that shizz.) Why do I ride the bus? Because the only thing the 81 is missing is a crazy pregnant lady. Who am I to turn down a quota? Anyway, the drivers are trained to keep the passengers fit by zooming around corners, hopping curbs and running into cop cars. These actions will cause equal and opposite reactions within the stabilizer muscles of the meth heads’ cores. This is a physical as well as a mental exercise. Throw in some vomit dodging and you will be as fit as I am!

PRENATAL YOGA. Yes, I remember the early weeks. Those ones where you don’t really even show yet but go anyway to stare at the REALLY pregnant ladies. Well now I’m the really pregnant lady. Just rolling out my yoga mat and staging my Tums is hard, let alone all those heinous downward dogs and warrior 47 poses. I can feel my arches buckle slowly with each movement. I can’t even smell the lavender lotion our teacher will schmear onto our foreheads during the closing relaxation pose as my body odor is too strong. It takes a lot of motivation to willingly open the door to the incense cloud within, but prenatal yoga will really give you a workout you can be proud of. I suggest using the “I have to pee AGAIN” card every 7 minutes to give your heart some recovery time.

TAKING THE STAIRS. Sorry. You got the wrong blog.