As I was peeing today for the 43rd time, I realized how much I love my maternity leggings. These things have enabled me to remain in pants through many activities – hiking, biking, cross country skiing and yoga. My next thought was, “damn these boots are awesome, too.”
Thus I feel compelled to give you my abridged list of things you need if you are me and pregnant. For the sake of keeping as many of my seven followers as possible, I am omitting items such as Preparation H and Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Stretch Mark Elixer of Awesomeness.
1. The leggings. Buy 2 of these.
$24.99 from Target.
As mentioned before, these are incredibly versatile for many sports in which pants are needed. These are a comfy base layer, as well. On their own, however, they aren’t very warm. I also discovered today that they provide zero protection for your hip fat as you wipe out while cross country skiing. You’ve been warned.
2. A Pair of Acceptible-Looking Jeans.
My first mistake was to buy these Liz Lange jeans from Target.
Go ahead and drop $34.99 on these if you want a huge camel toe and the least flattering leg cut/length ever. I don’t know who Liz Lange is, but I know she hates you and wants to ruin your chances of ever getting pregnant again. I see where you’re going, girl, but I still have feelings.
Go to Old Navy or Gap. The only shitty thing about jeans from Gap are the prices. The great thing is that they come in three lengths and the “ankle” length is perfect for my midget legs. My choice, the 1969 Long and Lean Full Panel, was on sale from $69.95 (barf) to $35. I doubt I would have bought them full price. Yes, I will settle for a huge camel toe to save cash. In this case I was able to afford some dignity. I might actually get impregnated again one day. Take that, Liz!
3. A Very Stretchy Versatile Shirt
I have had this shirt for a few years.
It’s been with me ice climbing, backpacking, snowboarding and now it’s stretching easily over my stomache! Oh yeah, it also has a ponytail hole in the hood – possibly the most underrated hood feature ever.
4. Comfy Boots.
Ahnu’s Montara hiking boots are the shizz. I have worn these almost every day, through all stages of my pregnancy. They got me through 40 miles on the Grand Teton Crest Trail, the day after which I rolled out of our tent, peed on a prego test in the woods and found out about Sweet Baby Greene under the impressive silouette of Grand Teton herself!
These have also survived the over-salted streets of Cleveland with grace. They cost $150ish bucks and provide the most comfortable arch and ankle support. I hope these keep my feet from flattening into pancakes.
5. This Mammut Down Jacket
How the HELL does this thing still fit me? It’s amazing! This is Mammut’s Pilgrim Down Jacket. I’ve had it for four years and have been anticipating needing to find something else when I got too big for it, however I am HYOOGE and I can still zip it. This is on sale right now for $181 on Altrec. Oh yeah, don’t get any of the girly colors – they show the dirt like whoa. When you’re pregnant, you’re far too busy eating things to launder things.
6. The Swim Suit.
7. Bike Shorts a) Stolen from someone larger than yourself or b) Stretched Out/Old
I don’t have a picture of these. They should never be seen, really, but you know they are there because you can smell them and your ass feels great. These have been crutial to maintaining my monthly half-kilometer rides (the more downhill the better).
I hope that you are all pregnant and ready to get your shopping on. What really makes the experience of gestating a parasite magical, beautiful and graceful are the leggings you will meet along the way, the endless series of back muscle spasms and the daily quest to avoid camel toe.