Tag Archives: pregnant

Photo Extravaganza: {{Awkward Pregnancy Photo Album}}

As you all know, no matter what sport I partake in or adventure upon which I embark, it is my primary goal to look as awesome as possible.  Though my ensembles have shifted from black spandex to exclusively horizontally-striped pastels, I am happy to say that I still got it.  And by “it” I mean lots of chins.  And extra biceps.  Biceps are the things that hang off your arms and flap around in a strong breeze, right?

Don’t just take my word for it.  Eric and I decided that we needed to capture some of this magic.  I’ve worked too hard on this body to not make you all look at it.

Ok, I’ve babied you enough.  LET’S GET WEIRD!

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Well I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.  I’m gonna go find some ice cream now.

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Advanced Exercises: Not for Noobs

Time has flown. I have been impregnated for 32 weeks at this point. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

I was sitting on my couch last night in a husband-induced rage (actually hormone induced but no one wants to hear about that shit) and I realized I was out of breath. Significantly so! Guys. I have found the most amazing and accessible exercises thanks to my current physical condition. How can I possibly keep these to myself?

SITTING ON THE COUCH. I’m sure you have one! This is something ANYONE can do! A quick way to get started is to really plop down on it. The plopping motion will likely land you in an awkward position that you will have to sort of wriggle out of. Enjoy the thunderous heart beating that ensues.

TYING YOUR SHOES. I have minimized this from 4 reps per day to 2, just because its important to have recovery time and not overdo it. This exercise can be completed sitting down or standing up. Standing up involves an 83% chance of falling, so make sure to fall to the side so you don’t pop your baby. Getting up from this fall always gives me a good arm pump and gets my heart going. I can feel each oblique straining and popping in the most satisfying of ways. If opting for the sitting option, one will notice that reaching around your own body to get to a foot will compress your lungs and enhance the workout. Expect an impressive amount of sweat.

DOING THE DISHES. Usually I eat and muss the dishes and Eric washes and dries them. It’s a great partnership we got goin’ on- it really plays to our individual strengths. This weekend, however, I thought I would mix it up and try out some washing. Sore neck, sore back, sore feet! This is a full body exercise! An unexpected benefit is that if you are wearing absorbent shirts, your belly will sop up all the sponge splash as you work.

RIDING THE 81. I realize this means you have to actually RIDE the 81, and Cleveland’s bus system is not for the weak. Depending on the time of day, you’re either going to be witness to a drug deal or become a neck pillow for a passed-out meth head. You might even get your mouthy self punched by the driver. (Go ahead and YouTube that shizz.) Why do I ride the bus? Because the only thing the 81 is missing is a crazy pregnant lady. Who am I to turn down a quota? Anyway, the drivers are trained to keep the passengers fit by zooming around corners, hopping curbs and running into cop cars. These actions will cause equal and opposite reactions within the stabilizer muscles of the meth heads’ cores. This is a physical as well as a mental exercise. Throw in some vomit dodging and you will be as fit as I am!

PRENATAL YOGA. Yes, I remember the early weeks. Those ones where you don’t really even show yet but go anyway to stare at the REALLY pregnant ladies. Well now I’m the really pregnant lady. Just rolling out my yoga mat and staging my Tums is hard, let alone all those heinous downward dogs and warrior 47 poses. I can feel my arches buckle slowly with each movement. I can’t even smell the lavender lotion our teacher will schmear onto our foreheads during the closing relaxation pose as my body odor is too strong. It takes a lot of motivation to willingly open the door to the incense cloud within, but prenatal yoga will really give you a workout you can be proud of. I suggest using the “I have to pee AGAIN” card every 7 minutes to give your heart some recovery time.

TAKING THE STAIRS. Sorry. You got the wrong blog.

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Uterus-Friendly Sport Series: {{Nor-dicking Around}}

Guess what?  Sweet Baby Greene is 26 weeks old!

You should not be laying on your belly at 26 weeks, even if the snow looks delicious.

You should not be laying on your belly at 26 weeks, even if the snow looks delicious.

The holidays were a little too kind to me, with visits out West to see both sets of my parents in Wyoming.

We had fun mingling with my Mom’s goat herd.

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My parents are lovely people, but they wined and dined Eric and I to the extreme. They made me fat. They forced homemade pasta and antelope sausages down my gullet. Don’t even get me started on the brisket or the cheese puff. Homemade chili rellenos and local made flan.

So now I am fat. It’s their fault.

I’ve watched… felt… many of my sports slipping away with each scoop of hand-cranked vanilla custard. I’m grateful I was able to mountain bike well into my pregnancy, but running evaded me early on and Zumba is my idea of Hell.

My new quest has been for activities that are easy on my aching uterus. My Mom’s water aerobics class was not. Yes, I got my ass kicked by a poolfull of old ladies.

A great workout that involves little bouncing is Cross country skiing. I’ve been getting my gear together for a couple of years now, and found some bangin’ skis for a killer price while in Wyoming. The graphics are all pixelated and weird- hence the “2nd quality” low price. I’ll take weird graphics any day for $80 (listed at $230)!

I bought some bindings (full price… WAHHHH) and, under the expert instruction of Bob and assistance of Eric, we mounted them ourselves! Admittedly easily amused, I found the process of putting the bindings on ourselves to be the most fun ever. I plan on buying more sets of skis and bindings just so I can mount them.

I know.  My hair is completely out of control these days.

I know. My hair is completely out of control these days.

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Eric tries to fix the bindings before I discover I mounted them on the bottoms of the skis...

Eric tries to fix the bindings before I discover I mounted them on the bottoms of the skis…

Thanks, Bob!

Thanks, Bob!

My new skis are the shit, and I’ve been able to scratch them up a few times.

XC is just what the belly ordered. It’s pure, full-body cardio with very little impact. As my gut becomes more pendulous, I really appreciate non-bouncy exercise.

Like a pregnant ninja.

Like a pregnant ninja.

I think I have a couple of weeks left within the bounds of my winter wear, but that’s another bonus of XC skiing- you can really wear anything that you can stretch over your large awkward body. I plan on stealing Eric’s clothes soon. I promise to post pics.

Standing like this causes back pain.

Standing like this causes back pain.

In current times, I have found that my belly pushes my pants down whilst I’m wheezing on the elliptical and my boobs pop out the sides of my swimsuit while trying to swim laps. Finding a sport that allows me to hide in the woods is a true gift.

Sonda, Eric and I.  Disregard all of the body-shaped divots in the snow.

Sonda, Eric and I. Disregard all of the body-shaped divots in the snow.

Eric and Ashley coordinated their outfits for this shot.

Eric and Ashley coordinated their outfits for this shot.

Stay tuned for more whining from me, especially regarding swimwear.  Never, EVER, take your modest one-piece for granted.   You are only one pregnancy away from being betrayed by your own boobs.

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