Tag Archives: sports

Bouldering is like Climbing Only Scarier

I’ve always been intimidated by bouldering. Bouldering is a Latin term that translates loosely to “you’ll probably fall and crush your stupid friends who try to catch your fat ass cause you were too lazy to rope up and not good enough to actually climb the damned rock.” Those Latins got it right.

Bouldering is rock climbing with no harnesses or ropes, mainly because the routes or “problems” as they are aptly named, are too short to necessitate all the hubbub. Way too short to bother with taking measures to save your life. Short enough that its totally cool to snap an ankle falling or ass-hat your husband.

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(Above) Ashley slays a V1 while Eric stands by

See, I KNEW I didn’t like bouldering ever since I went with Eric back when I was trying to act cool so he would date me. The climbing is hard, and you need to be comfortable falling or jumping a distance back to the ground if you get stuck.

This weekend I found myself mid-adrenaline dump clinging to a boulder at Coopers Rocks in West Virginia when I remembered that I hate bouldering. My tendons snapped and I hurtled 24 inches to the ground. I sank to a log and sat there practically crying as I tried to catch my breath.

Ashley yawned a little and Eric pointed out how low I actually was as I was trembling and sniffling on the boulder. I felt like a douche, stood up, and easily climbed the problem.

I had another little meltdown on the downclimb where I had to jump about three feet to the ground, but after that I had burned my entire adrenaline supply and was able to enjoy a chill afternoon trying to improve my climbing AND falling skills.

Bouldering is fun, turns out. And it’s perfect to do with a group of friends who like chatting and eating snacks! It’s perfect for babies! Crash pads make great baby beds when lardy 30-somethings aren’t dramatically flopping onto them. And babies don’t mind if there’s a decaying chipmunk with bees eating out its dead eyes right beside the boulder. They are so dumb, they don’t even know what chipmunks are!

20130908-191208.jpg(Above) Grady does not know what a chipmunk is.

If you decide to take your baby bouldering, it’s nice to have a place to stow them if they get sleepy. A nice portable bassinet like the Nest by Phil and Ted is perfect, especially if your friends Keith and Anna Wilkins buy it for you!

20130908-192652.jpg(Above) Grady lounges in his Nest.

The Nest is great because it is compact, has a soft cushion and a nice, zip-on screen so bees can’t swoop in and dine on your babies eyeballs. If you can’t dupe your friends into buying it for you, however, there are always other options.

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I haven’t been this sore since I gave birth, but I can’t wait to do some more bouldering. Facing a pure, simple obstacle like a rock to climb is an excellent escape from the stresses of life.

Especially if you have some dummies willing to catch your fat ass when you fall.

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