Uterus-Friendly Sport Series: {{Being Buoyant…and Losing my Mind}}

We haven’t done the “my baby is this big” thing yet.  So here ya go:


How adorable!  Look at that huge brain!  Look at those perfect flippers!  Time to get this flipper brain into the pool for some exercise!

Everyone knows swimming is great exercise.  It’s even better for individuals who have recently gained 30 pounds and need a volume of water to suspend their bulk in so as to avoid ripping and tearing their poor weakened soft bodies.

Yeah yeah swimming is great and I should do it.  So I have been.

Every now and then whilst swimming I get a cramp across my whole belly.  The first time this happened I was pretty convinced I was going into labor. Eric laughed in my face and I laughed back which made it worse. After walking back and forth in the pool a few times the cramp went away. I still don’t know what causes these but it’s fun to launch out of the water and scream while I clutch my belly. The lifeguards love me.

I am a pitiful swimmer, but that’s beside the point. The point is that NO ONE has mentioned HOW I am supposed to keep swimming when I can’t seem to stay decent in the pool.

I’m busting out of my swimming suit.  Just getting it onto my body is a challenge. Pulling it over my belly is painful. Once I get the straps in place I have to pull the boobs back into darkness beneath the chest area that was once more than adequate.

The answer is simple. I need a bigger swim suit.  Yes, this is the topic of this post.  You can’t blame me – you’re the one wasting your time reading this crap.

And no- a two piece will not do.  Please stop suggesting it!  My belly pushes everything down.  Everything.  I have to wear suspenders on my underpants.  Actually, that’s a really good idea… anyway, I don’t want to lose my thong while doing laps, sorry.

My first plan was to sweet talk my Mom into sending me an old, stretched out swimsuit. She has quite the stash- she teaches water aerobics and goes through these things like I go through Three Musketeers bars. She gladly sent me a little black and green number, but one fleshy thigh into it I suddenly remembered that I am roughly twice the size of my dear Mother. Proceeding would likely cause hemorrhage.  Thanks anyway, Mom!  You’re the best!  (But you are far too tiny to help me now.)

My cheap ass was going to have to buy a new suit. Turns out there’s approximately ONE choice available on the internets for “maternity swim suit.” To my dismay, neither Speedo nor Tyr have gotten into this niche market. They are missing out. Yes, investing in that much fabric is scary, but C’MON!

Back to the one choice. Here she is:


Right? So cool. So chic. BUT I hate the idea of dropping $62.95 for something I’m only going to wear for a few months.  Because I’m sure I’ll lose all the weight immediately after ejecting SBG from my body.  *grabs another donut*

My NEXT thought is to find an inexpensive option at Walmart or Target. A crap suit will likely be thinner and stretchier, right?

I actually did get lucky at Target. I found a suit that might as well have been labelled “must be 70 or older to wear this item.” It is gloriously, unapologetically rouched everywhere. For the boys in the house- that means there are little gathers of fabric down the seams so the remaining expanses of fabric between them don’t lay flat.  Rouching is a trick for those who don’t want every nipple of cellulite and breast to show.  It’s a blessing.  And in this case, it allows the suit to  expands neatly around my girth leaving zero boobs sticking out.  (I realize I just lost the male readers again.)

target swimsuit

This picture makes it look cute, but I assure you it’s NOT.  This hints at a waist.  Which I obvi don’t have!  No, the cute part was the price tag- $35 full price.

I tested this baby out last week and it was awesome.  The boob twisty thing tends to catch the water as I race through it at high speeds, but it has yet to be pulled down.  The amount of side boob supported is impressive as the arm holes aren’t cut athletically.  Hell, nothing about this suit is athletic.  We have a lot in common right now.

I was 15 minutes into my suit test when I realized that Eric was STILL not in the pool.  He had been right behind me as we got to the gym and my oxygen-deprived mind started to tell me that something was wrong.  We’d passed the “he’s just dropping a deuce and will be right out” timeframe.  How would I feel if I had been able to save him from a mid-deuce aneurysm had I taken action instead of choosing to keep swimming?

Good thing I’m a crazy pregnant lady who jumps to conclusions.  I leapt (climbed slowly) out of the pool and found a poor fellow to check the men’s locker room for me.  Eric wasn’t in the locker room.

Eric wasn’t in the locker room because he was in the pool.  He was swimming two lanes away from me the entire time.  *sigh*

Anyway, I look forward to more swimming and less freaking out.  My mid/upper back has been hurting like a bitch lately, mainly because it’s not yet strong enough to overcome this:

No caption needed.  This is awesome.

Yes my bangs are perfect but let’s focus on the faucet, people.

All whining aside, it’s awesome to be pregnant.  A little back pain for a belly full of cauliflower is completely worth it.

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5 thoughts on “Uterus-Friendly Sport Series: {{Being Buoyant…and Losing my Mind}}

  1. Anonymous says:

    U think that is pain????????

  2. I ordered a maternity suit on line, one that promised to make the bump all cute and such. Ya, I looked like a fat guy at a NASCAR race, my big ol belly hanging out of what was apparently a cropped top (or I was just that big…I’m sticking to the cropped story) Good for you for working out, I had back pain and decided lazy was the new me. Attempting to kick my tush back in shape!

  3. Ali b says:

    That head of cauliflower isn’t really as cute as I expect baby Greene to be but aim low people and then anything you get is super cute

  4. YOU ARE SO LUCKY!!!!!! A new Year of the Muskrat has begun. Twelve easy tasks to be performed over the course of the year. One of them is SWIMMING 800 METERS WITH A WATERMELON!!!! So you could just swim without the melon and we’ll call it even. Another task is running a 10k with a wooden penguin in a baby stroller, so if little Igmo turns out to be a wooden penguin, you’re in business. (I would even consider switching this one to allow running with a cauliflower.) Glad you still have your sense of humor in these trying times …

  5. […] already been introduced here. If you’re sick of all these links, it’s really just an uber-expansive garment that […]

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