Tricking Others into Carrying Your Shit

Until a couple weekends ago, we hadn’t backpacked since September, when we did almost the entire Teton Crest Trail in Wyoming.

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These were happy times between my backpack and I.

It’s only a few months later, but life is different. More specifically, pants are different. Far fewer zippers and more stretchy belly panels. If you can get over the icky feeling of spandex to your boobs, these things are comfy as hell. They are also elusive if you’re looking for them at REI.

Much to my disappointment in pregnant society, there’s shit for outdoor clothes/gear available. WTF?! Ok, ok, there’s ONE website. But I’m not gonna drop $100 on pants EVER, let alone for a few fleeting months. And that stupid Belly Band is not only worthless at all of its claims, its also uncomfortable. Belly Band- you are lame.

I feel like the theme of my life has become making my wardrobe more awkward every day. This weekend was no exception. I wore some stretchy capris below my gut and a shirt of Eric’s from the laundry hamper. I still reek of man pits and shame.

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Great look right? At least you can’t smell it…

Clothes aside, how does one wear a backpack without popping their fetus?

If you’ve done any backpacking, you will know that a well-fitting pack should be supported primarily by your waist strap just above your hips and steadied with your shoulder straps. Bearing the weight on your shoulders is stupid. And uncomfortable.

My waist strap usually falls at my waist, however now my belly is kinda in the way. My new choices are: 1) under the gut or 2) above the gut under my boobs. The latter sounds sexy and supportive but the moment arm created by a hovering load of Pop Tarts is sure to knock a lady off the trail. I chose to go low, mashing the strap right at the hips, where it can provide little to no support.

This configuration doesn’t really let the weight ride on the hips, and the shoulders get to deal with it. Did I say shoulders? I meant Eric and Kevin!

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Eric and Kevin are critical for pregnant ladies who want to go backpacking. They shoulder the weight so you don’t have to! THANKS GUYS!

If you can’t get your pack to fit right, give up. No one with a soul will NOT carry your stuff for you, for fear that you will have a hormone-induced meltdown or eject milk from your chest. Granted, I am still months away from that superpower, but no one needs to know that.

Happy Backpacking, my round-bellied friends.

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5 thoughts on “Tricking Others into Carrying Your Shit

  1. Ali B says:

    Once again blowing me away with your clever writing style. You know they have had pregnant ladies on snl before… Just saying

  2. As a person who is not pregnant but still has a belly (and boobs and a butt), I feel your pain. Apparently chubby people, along with pregnant people, do not like to do outdoorsy things while enjoying the benefits of performance gear like the rest of the world. Oh, the THINGS I had to do to find a pair of light, convertible hiking pants for Utah–and the ones I settled on weren’t even that comfortable. Sigh.

    • Hay girl HAAAAYYY!! Yeah outdoor stuff sizing is whack. I’m not a huge person when I don’t have a fetus, but I’m always large or extra large within the confines of REI. I guess they just assume that we all subsist on trail mix. I subsist on the M&Ms that I pick out of mine. 🙂 Thanks for reading, Amanda! You know… You should really get your blog on! You are always on adventures. Think about ITTTT!!!

      • Actually, I’ve got me a couple of blogs. phenchurch.blogspot.com has been tearing up the internet airwaves since 2004 and franceshikes.wordpress.com is newer, I cross-posted some hiking stuff and plan to focus on the outdoorsy stuff over there.

  3. Oops this is Amanda BTW.

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