Photo Extravaganza: {{Awkward Pregnancy Photo Album}}

As you all know, no matter what sport I partake in or adventure upon which I embark, it is my primary goal to look as awesome as possible.  Though my ensembles have shifted from black spandex to exclusively horizontally-striped pastels, I am happy to say that I still got it.  And by “it” I mean lots of chins.  And extra biceps.  Biceps are the things that hang off your arms and flap around in a strong breeze, right?

Don’t just take my word for it.  Eric and I decided that we needed to capture some of this magic.  I’ve worked too hard on this body to not make you all look at it.

Ok, I’ve babied you enough.  LET’S GET WEIRD!

Well I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.  I’m gonna go find some ice cream now.

Advanced Exercises: Not for Noobs

Time has flown. I have been impregnated for 32 weeks at this point. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.

I was sitting on my couch last night in a husband-induced rage (actually hormone induced but no one wants to hear about that shit) and I realized I was out of breath. Significantly so! Guys. I have found the most amazing and accessible exercises thanks to my current physical condition. How can I possibly keep these to myself?

SITTING ON THE COUCH. I’m sure you have one! This is something ANYONE can do! A quick way to get started is to really plop down on it. The plopping motion will likely land you in an awkward position that you will have to sort of wriggle out of. Enjoy the thunderous heart beating that ensues.

TYING YOUR SHOES. I have minimized this from 4 reps per day to 2, just because its important to have recovery time and not overdo it. This exercise can be completed sitting down or standing up. Standing up involves an 83% chance of falling, so make sure to fall to the side so you don’t pop your baby. Getting up from this fall always gives me a good arm pump and gets my heart going. I can feel each oblique straining and popping in the most satisfying of ways. If opting for the sitting option, one will notice that reaching around your own body to get to a foot will compress your lungs and enhance the workout. Expect an impressive amount of sweat.

DOING THE DISHES. Usually I eat and muss the dishes and Eric washes and dries them. It’s a great partnership we got goin’ on- it really plays to our individual strengths. This weekend, however, I thought I would mix it up and try out some washing. Sore neck, sore back, sore feet! This is a full body exercise! An unexpected benefit is that if you are wearing absorbent shirts, your belly will sop up all the sponge splash as you work.

RIDING THE 81. I realize this means you have to actually RIDE the 81, and Cleveland’s bus system is not for the weak. Depending on the time of day, you’re either going to be witness to a drug deal or become a neck pillow for a passed-out meth head. You might even get your mouthy self punched by the driver. (Go ahead and YouTube that shizz.) Why do I ride the bus? Because the only thing the 81 is missing is a crazy pregnant lady. Who am I to turn down a quota? Anyway, the drivers are trained to keep the passengers fit by zooming around corners, hopping curbs and running into cop cars. These actions will cause equal and opposite reactions within the stabilizer muscles of the meth heads’ cores. This is a physical as well as a mental exercise. Throw in some vomit dodging and you will be as fit as I am!

PRENATAL YOGA. Yes, I remember the early weeks. Those ones where you don’t really even show yet but go anyway to stare at the REALLY pregnant ladies. Well now I’m the really pregnant lady. Just rolling out my yoga mat and staging my Tums is hard, let alone all those heinous downward dogs and warrior 47 poses. I can feel my arches buckle slowly with each movement. I can’t even smell the lavender lotion our teacher will schmear onto our foreheads during the closing relaxation pose as my body odor is too strong. It takes a lot of motivation to willingly open the door to the incense cloud within, but prenatal yoga will really give you a workout you can be proud of. I suggest using the “I have to pee AGAIN” card every 7 minutes to give your heart some recovery time.

TAKING THE STAIRS. Sorry. You got the wrong blog.

The Active Pregnant Lady Shopping List

As I was peeing today for the 43rd time, I realized how much I love my maternity leggings. These things have enabled me to remain in pants through many activities – hiking, biking, cross country skiing and yoga. My next thought was, “damn these boots are awesome, too.”

Thus I feel compelled to give you my abridged list of things you need if you are me and pregnant. For the sake of keeping as many of my seven followers as possible, I am omitting items such as Preparation H and Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Stretch Mark Elixer of Awesomeness.

1. The leggings. Buy 2 of these.

$24.99. I wish I looked like this in these, however there is a lot more thigh and cankle when I wear them.

$24.99 from Target.

As mentioned before, these are incredibly versatile for many sports in which pants are needed. These are a comfy base layer, as well. On their own, however, they aren’t very warm. I also discovered today that they provide zero protection for your hip fat as you wipe out while cross country skiing. You’ve been warned.

2. A Pair of Acceptible-Looking Jeans.

My first mistake was to buy these Liz Lange jeans from Target.

Ugh.

Go ahead and drop $34.99 on these if you want a huge camel toe and the least flattering leg cut/length ever. I don’t know who Liz Lange is, but I know she hates you and wants to ruin your chances of ever getting pregnant again. I see where you’re going, girl, but I still have feelings.

Go to Old Navy or Gap. The only shitty thing about jeans from Gap are the prices. The great thing is that they come in three lengths and the “ankle” length is perfect for my midget legs. My choice, the 1969 Long and Lean Full Panel, was on sale from $69.95 (barf) to $35. I doubt I would have bought them full price. Yes, I will settle for a huge camel toe to save cash. In this case I was able to afford some dignity. I might actually get impregnated again one day. Take that, Liz!

Much better.

3. A Very Stretchy Versatile Shirt

I have had this shirt for a few years.

Who knew what this poor shirt would have to go through a few months later.

It’s been with me ice climbing, backpacking, snowboarding and now it’s stretching easily over my stomache! Oh yeah, it also has a ponytail hole in the hood – possibly the most underrated hood feature ever.

4. Comfy Boots.

Ahnu’s Montara hiking boots are the shizz. I have worn these almost every day, through all stages of my pregnancy. They got me through 40 miles on the Grand Teton Crest Trail, the day after which I rolled out of our tent, peed on a prego test in the woods and found out about Sweet Baby Greene under the impressive silouette of Grand Teton herself!

…and they come in purple.

These have also survived the over-salted streets of Cleveland with grace. They cost $150ish bucks and provide the most comfortable arch and ankle support. I hope these keep my feet from flattening into pancakes.

5. This Mammut Down Jacket

How the HELL does this thing still fit me? It’s amazing! This is Mammut’s Pilgrim Down Jacket. I’ve had it for four years and have been anticipating needing to find something else when I got too big for it, however I am HYOOGE and I can still zip it. This is on sale right now for $181 on Altrec. Oh yeah, don’t get any of the girly colors – they show the dirt like whoa. When you’re pregnant, you’re far too busy eating things to launder things.

6. The Swim Suit.

You’ve already been introduced here. If you’re sick of all these links, it’s really just an uber-expansive garment that will keep you covered in the pool. This one also comes from Target.

I bought it in black because it’s more slimming. *snort*

7. Bike Shorts a) Stolen from someone larger than yourself or b) Stretched Out/Old

I don’t have a picture of these. They should never be seen, really, but you know they are there because you can smell them and your ass feels great. These have been crutial to maintaining my monthly half-kilometer rides (the more downhill the better).

I hope that you are all pregnant and ready to get your shopping on. What really makes the experience of gestating a parasite magical, beautiful and graceful are the leggings you will meet along the way, the endless series of back muscle spasms and the daily quest to avoid camel toe.