Bouldering is like Climbing Only Scarier

I’ve always been intimidated by bouldering. Bouldering is a Latin term that translates loosely to “you’ll probably fall and crush your stupid friends who try to catch your fat ass cause you were too lazy to rope up and not good enough to actually climb the damned rock.” Those Latins got it right.

Bouldering is rock climbing with no harnesses or ropes, mainly because the routes or “problems” as they are aptly named, are too short to necessitate all the hubbub. Way too short to bother with taking measures to save your life. Short enough that its totally cool to snap an ankle falling or ass-hat your husband.

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(Above) Ashley slays a V1 while Eric stands by

See, I KNEW I didn’t like bouldering ever since I went with Eric back when I was trying to act cool so he would date me. The climbing is hard, and you need to be comfortable falling or jumping a distance back to the ground if you get stuck.

This weekend I found myself mid-adrenaline dump clinging to a boulder at Coopers Rocks in West Virginia when I remembered that I hate bouldering. My tendons snapped and I hurtled 24 inches to the ground. I sank to a log and sat there practically crying as I tried to catch my breath.

Ashley yawned a little and Eric pointed out how low I actually was as I was trembling and sniffling on the boulder. I felt like a douche, stood up, and easily climbed the problem.

I had another little meltdown on the downclimb where I had to jump about three feet to the ground, but after that I had burned my entire adrenaline supply and was able to enjoy a chill afternoon trying to improve my climbing AND falling skills.

Bouldering is fun, turns out. And it’s perfect to do with a group of friends who like chatting and eating snacks! It’s perfect for babies! Crash pads make great baby beds when lardy 30-somethings aren’t dramatically flopping onto them. And babies don’t mind if there’s a decaying chipmunk with bees eating out its dead eyes right beside the boulder. They are so dumb, they don’t even know what chipmunks are!

20130908-191208.jpg(Above) Grady does not know what a chipmunk is.

If you decide to take your baby bouldering, it’s nice to have a place to stow them if they get sleepy. A nice portable bassinet like the Nest by Phil and Ted is perfect, especially if your friends Keith and Anna Wilkins buy it for you!

20130908-192652.jpg(Above) Grady lounges in his Nest.

The Nest is great because it is compact, has a soft cushion and a nice, zip-on screen so bees can’t swoop in and dine on your babies eyeballs. If you can’t dupe your friends into buying it for you, however, there are always other options.

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I haven’t been this sore since I gave birth, but I can’t wait to do some more bouldering. Facing a pure, simple obstacle like a rock to climb is an excellent escape from the stresses of life.

Especially if you have some dummies willing to catch your fat ass when you fall.

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RIP Cankles

Much like a getting a hair cut or shaving my legs, this post is long overdue. Not as overdue as I was when MY BABY WAS BORN, but irresponsibly late. All 5 of you that are left are dying to know about the baby, right?

Grady James plopped onto planet Earth at a reasonable hour on May 21st. He was big but not huge (like my calves circa summer 2012), nice and long and already sporting a hipster hair arrangement. He looked nothing like Eric OR me. He is far cuter than either of us.

If you’ve already had a baby, you know that the birth is really a leisurely act in comparison to the days that follow. (Said the lady who got an epidural haaaaaa) Though my post-partum days have been pretty cushy, I don’t find myself with a lot of time to blog. I mean, between the two-a-day workouts, experimenting with nail art techniques, playing new versions of Settlers of Catan and taking a shitload of pictures of Grady, there just ISN’T. ANY. TIME.

I weathered the delivery almost as well as Grady, however I still have some crotch pain and a deflated balloon uterus that sways in a strong breeze. I started out able to comfortably walk with my Baby in his Bjorn (thanks to Adam for our beloved Baby Bjorn. Adam’s Mom- if you’re reading this- Adam is a wonderful person even though he tends to leave his blood all over the place when biking or climbing), my decaf latte in my hand, still rocking bad maternity jeans.

Howza bout running? Running inspired me to write this blog all those months ago, and my relationship with it has already changed in so many ways. Over a year ago saw the completion of my first marathon and subsequent interest in one day becoming an ultrarunner. One year ago I was in the most physically fit state of my life.

Back to now, 14 weeks after the birth of my beautiful baby, I have taken my first running steps as a Mom. These runs are still measured in minutes vs. miles and are humbling. My body still clings to it’s pregnant vestiges and it’s not easy to run with huge boobs and a flopping midsection. My mind shifts around to new topics never before experienced on a run, such as: “How long do I have before Grady needs to be fed again?” “I hope all of this lactic acid doesn’t infest my breasts and poison my child.” “I should have worn three sports bras instead of just two.” And, most commonly, “why the shit am I doing this?” I never imagined how hard it would be to run with huge boobs and huge thoughts.

Dust off your noob hats and settle in. I’ve got lots of new stories about camping, biking, climbing and running with a sweet lil baby and everyone’s favorite bearded sidekick.

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New posts to come! Unless, of course, child protection services gets to me first.

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Photo Extravaganza: {{Awkward Pregnancy Photo Album}}

As you all know, no matter what sport I partake in or adventure upon which I embark, it is my primary goal to look as awesome as possible.  Though my ensembles have shifted from black spandex to exclusively horizontally-striped pastels, I am happy to say that I still got it.  And by “it” I mean lots of chins.  And extra biceps.  Biceps are the things that hang off your arms and flap around in a strong breeze, right?

Don’t just take my word for it.  Eric and I decided that we needed to capture some of this magic.  I’ve worked too hard on this body to not make you all look at it.

Ok, I’ve babied you enough.  LET’S GET WEIRD!

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Well I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.  I’m gonna go find some ice cream now.

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